One evening last week, I was in the shower.  And out of the blue, I realized that I didn’t have a good reason why I wanted to be a doctor.  Medical school sounded so unappealing.  I was pretty disgusted with myself. 

Saving people’s lives sounds great, but the other Hopkins pre-meds want to do that, too.  I didn’t have a personal reason for becoming a doctor, a purpose that I was willing to put my entire life into, a purpose that would make me sleepless and emotional if it wasn’t completed. 

The next day, I called my mom and my step-father to tell them what I was feeling.  Yeah, I’m having second thoughts about a career in medicine.  No, my grades are fine, it’s just my heart is not in it right now.  I’m just thinking about all the sacrifices that are going to happen, and I’m not sure if I want that.  And then my step-father asked me, “Well, what do you really want?”

And something came up from the depths inside me, a volume of emotion that I couldn’t suppress. 

I told him I didn’t care what career path I took.  What really mattered to me was family.  One of the best feelings I’ve ever felt is going back to Fremont and going out to dinner with the whole house.  My step-father is driving, my mother in the passenger seat, and the three sons are in the back seat, laughing and joking and smiling.  All that love and warmth sealed up into the gold Toyota. 

And I’m looking forward to having those feelings with my own family in the future.  Marrying the beautiful wife.  Maybe three kids of our own, and we can fill up our own gold Toyota.  We’ll all come back together from playing baseball, tired and sweaty and happy, and eat cherry popsicles on the front porch.  And make more memories happily ever after.

I grew up without knowing what a real father was, what a real family was, before it was too late.  And now I’m grown up a little more and those feelings just burn inside of me, because they haven’t been satisfied… yet.

I think God placed this passion to be a father and to have a family in me for a reason.  He has a plan for me by putting me through those trials in the past, to use those instances of pain and loneliness and to transform them into something fruitful and for His purpose.  I want it so bad, more so than any other career ambition I’ve ever thought about, including being a doctor. 

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And so here I am, seeking His purpose and waiting for His perfect timing…